


Pretty Guardian AutoZone Zone

by AMyosotis



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball, モブサイコ100 | Mob Psycho 100
Genre: M/M, that's it folks, this is a nonsense crossover fic that happens at autozone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 06:50:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9060649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMyosotis/pseuds/AMyosotis
Summary: listen,,,,,,,,,,,, don’t ask me.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [captnkellogg](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=captnkellogg).



> Merry Christmas buddy.

Sailor Mars was on fire. Not literally, but she was really on a roll. “Not only is it 20% cheaper, it can extend your car’s life by over two years! But hey, Valvoline’s only one of many great reasons to make Autozone your one stop shop for auto parts, car maintenance, and more.”  
   
Jupiter clenched her fist in celebration behind the camera. They were so close. They were nearly done with the take, they were finally going to make it this time.  
   
Sailor Moon smiled, hands clasped behind her back, and chimed in, “That’s right! You don’t want to get stranded in the snow this Christmas, not when you could stop on by and get your battery tested for free at any local AutoZone! Plus,” she said, giggling and off script, “you get to hang out with the cutest scout around, me!”  
   
“You got it!” Mars stepped in front of Sailor Moon to hog the camera, “We’re the bishoujo scouts, cutest heroes in the galaxy!” She continued in a faux whisper, “Even if some of us eat so many donuts they’re practically bursting out of their scout uniform.”  
   
Venus just dropped her head into her hands, leaning against a wall near the set.  
   
Sailor Moon shoved up against Mars, glaring sideways as she muttered, “you’d know, the way you put back that cake Yuuichiro brought back last week. Pretty sure it was supposed to be for all of us.”  
   
“And anyway,” she sweetened her voice and perked back up at the camera, “everyone knows I’m the cutest of all, since I’m the leader, that’s just how it works!”  
   
Mars pushed back harder with her eyes narrowed, “Listen here, you little —“  
   
“OK OH-KAY! Cut!! CUT! CUT-OHHHH.” Reigen Arataka, temporary manager of the AutoZone just off National Route 14, stepped out gesturing wildly. He had a slip of pink paper rolled up in his right hand as if to yell through, but was mostly using it to point emphatically at nothing in particular.  
   
“Come on girls, how hard is it to just stay on script and smile? Unless,” he started, smirking and splaying his hands out, “you’d rather pay back Shinji in cash? If I recall correctly,” he massaged his temples in a flagrant caricature of deep thought, “he’ll be stuck in the hospital for at least a week after the way Sailor Mars barbequed him. And since Sailor Moon’s little frisbee trick took out half the aisles, and Sailor Jupiter” she winced as he pointed at her, “somehow managed to short out every computerized thing in the store, that’s quiiiite a lot of damage to pay off.”  
   
“Even if you say you were trying to defeat evil, you still have to take responsibility for your actions, you know? Otherwise you’re just getting innocent citizens caught up in the crossfire of your crazy moon wars.”  
   
“No, no! We’re very sorry, Reigen-san,” Sailor Venus jumped in, hand on the back of her head with an apologetic smile. “We really appreciate you letting us make it up to your cousin like this… and I’m afraid we wouldn’t have the money to pay him back anyway.”  
   
Reigen tipped his head to the side, face screwed up in faux concentration, “Ahhhhh, you’re really putting me in a tough spot here young lady… but I guess it can’t be helped. Maybe you and Mars can do the spiel instead, and Sailor Moon can just say the tag line.” Mars smirked, and shoved Sailor Moon a little, but he didn’t notice. “Alright, let’s go with that. I’m thinking something fresh, but simple: ‘Get in the Zone. AutoZone.’”  

 

* * *

 

   
“KUROKO!!” Kagami burst out of his tiny living room, as Kuroko finished up a stirfry at the kitchen counter. “Kuroko!” He clamped both hands onto Kuroko’s shoulders and lifted him half off the ground, practically vibrating with excitement.  
   
“What is it Kagami-kun?” Kuroko said, monotone through a mouthful of rice.  
   
“There’s no time to explain, you just gotta see this!” He dragged Kuroko off to the TV, on which, inexplicably, Sailor Jupiter was holding up a bottle of axel grease. “It’ll really - grease your axels!” she said, tinny music playing in the background.  
   
“Kuroko, we have to go to AutoZone right now. Call Akashi and the others - it’s time to take our game to the next level.”  
   
Kuroko frowned. “Are we going in your car again? I know it needs repairs but there aren’t enough seats, and someone always sits on me by mistake. Also, it smells like melted crayons.”  
   
“Trust me Kuroko,” Kagami said with a grin, “It’s time to get in the Zone.”  
 

* * *

 

   
Two hours later, with five different houses visited, and only two accidental Kuroko-squishings, four out of the five members of the generation of miracles spilled out of Kagami’s car. Akashi stepped out on top of them.  
   
“According to my Emperor’s Eye,” he lectured sternly, “this car will break down unless you get it checked very soon. It’s a good thing we’re at AutoZone, although I can’t imagine why you think this is the appropriate place for basketball training.”  
   
“That’s right Kagami-kun, Leos are predicted to have tumultuous difficulties in love and transportation today,” Midorima pulled himself up and brushed himself off, holding a step-ladder under one arm. “To rebalance your life you must rotate your tires.”  
   
From under Akashi’s foot Kise added, “So why are we here again? It can’t just be because ‘Zone’ is in the name, that’s too dumb even for you.”  
   
“Uhhh….” Kagami scratched his cheek and muttered, “I mean, it’s not that - the Sailor Scouts are here and, you know, they’re specifically advertising how to get in the Zone in their commericals so.”  
   
The generation of miracles stared at him. “So, in summary, the guy who stole Kuroko from us is an idiot, which we already knew,” Murasakibara said, “Right, I might as well get some sweets while we’re here. Get your awful car looked at.”  
   
He and the rest of the generation ambled off. Kagami, cheeks pinked, asked Kuroko - “but I mean, there’s no way it was a coincidence, right? They changed their tagline to ‘get in the Zone’, that’s gotta mean something.”  
   
Kuroko patted Kagami on the arm. “You might as well get your tires checked while we’re here. Midorima’s surprisingly knowledgeable about cars.” With that he walked in, and after a few disgruntled seconds, Kagami followed after.  
 

* * *

 

   
A little bell rang on the door as they entered, and Sailor Moon skipped up to them, speaking in exaggerated fake excitement, “Dear customers, is there anything you need? I’m Sailor Moon; and in the name of the moon, I’ll take care of your car!” She did the little pose.  
   
“Uh, yeah,” Kagami said, “I’m a huge fan! I’m here for the Zone training - and I guess I need my tires rotated too?”  
   
“I’d rotate your tires,” Kuroko muttered suggestively. Kagami wasn’t paying attention, but Akashi met his eyes from across the room, and Kuroko went beet read and had to walk away to stare at the wall for a little bit. He ended up in the refrigerated drinks section.  
   
“Well, I don’t know about training, but you’re already in the AutoZone!” Sailor Moon said. “And I can definitely take care of your tires; I’ll show that stuck-up Mars I’m just as capable as her.” Kagami reached out, but before he could say anything else she stomped out, pushing up her gloves as she went, and shooting eyes over at the information desk where Mars was stationed.  
   
“OK… I guess I’ll go ask about training at the information desk,” Kagami said, and Kuroko gave him a little thumbs up from next to a fridge full of energy drinks.  
   
Next to Kuroko stood a young man, perhaps 12 or 13, in a black school uniform. His hair was in a flat bowl cut, and he stared intently at the milk and flavored-milk-based-drinks. After a little while Kuroko cleared his throat and said, “Why not try the strawberry milk?”  
   
The kid jumped slightly, then without turning to him, replied “Thank you for the suggestion. If you don’t cause any trouble for my shishou, I won’t have to banish you.”  
   
“Um,” said Kuroko, “I guess that sounds like a fair deal.”  
 

* * *

 

   
In the meantime Aomine had finished checking out, and stuffed a bunch of jerky into his mouth before pushing the door out of AutoZone. He saw Sailor Moon slowly turning a tire on Kagami’s car, still in the parking lot, as Akashi stood over her supervising and saying she was doing acceptably with a smirk.  
   
“Holy sh-. Akashi? You do know that’s not what ‘rotating tires’ means, right?” Aomine looked like the very foundations of his world view had fallen out from under him. Akashi was supposed to be an unfaultable absolute. “You’re just supposed to switch around their positions to keep them from wearing out in the same place.”  
   
Akashi’s eyes snapped over to Aomine, and within their golden gleam a series of calculations immediately began. Possible ways to shift the blame, create an excuse, or obfuscate sped through his mind - yet none of them were convincing enough. In a split second he knew he would have to reach out to his other self, his other half, to come up with the sort of brilliant solution that would get him clear of this situation. He closed his eyes. He prepared to dive down into his very subconscious, to make a deal with his split personality. Sailor Moon stood frozen in mild embarrassment behind him.  
   
Suddenly, Tuxedo Mask’s theme song played, a dramatic announcement of horns followed by some classy castanet clapping. A rose flew through the air and scratched a long silver gleam along the side of Kagami’s car, landing in a slant on the pavement before a single petal stylishly fell from its head. “Sailor Moon!” Tuxedo Mask proclaimed, “Simply follow your heart, for you know it to be true!”  
   
She clasped her hands beneath her chin and said, “Tuxedo Mask-sama~!!” as he turned his cape and sashayed away. Akashi thanked god for the cliched dramatic timing laws Sailor Scouts and their ilk seemed to operate under.  
   
“TUXEDO MASK-SAMA MY ASS!” yelled Kagami, who had just kicked open the AutoZone's door, and was feeling rather put out at being told by an already irritated Sailor Mars that no, they didn’t offer special basketball training, “he basically just keyed my car! What sort of operation are you running here??”  
   
At that outburst Mob poked his head out of the AutoZone, closely followed by Reigen and the Scouts, who were promptly kicked through the door by Murasakibara. Midorima and Kise followed after, and they all stared curiously up at Tuxedo Mask, who was trying to unobtrusively hide on the very empty AutoZone roof.  
   
Suddenly, he teetered as a great rumble shook through the air, and jumped down behind the building.  
   
Rubble began to float up from the ground as the air grew dark and thick with ominous mist. In its middle was a sickly green light, illuminating a large shadowed human form. Kise gasped and grabbed onto Midorima, who immediately shoved him away.  
   
Slowly the form began to gain substance and focus, until it settled into a terrifying apparition - far too large for a normal person, with long greasy black hair and eyes like gaping pits. It was also wearing a faded mens basketball uniform. “So,” its voice echoed out, as if projected from all around them, “the passion of another truly great player has finally roused me from my eternal sleep! I will challenge you, but be forewarned, I died during a hellishly strenuous training regimen here in this AutoZone. I had traveled all the way to this distant location just to access that legendary state of mind, the Zone, which only a chosen few can enter even a single time.”  
   
“Yeah and like, everyone here who’s ever played basketball,” Kuroko said under his breath. He was in shock, and the fact that he managed vocalize something added on top that.  
   
The specter continued undaunted like he hadn’t even noticed Kuroko, which was probably accurate, “My name is Aikawa Hikaru. I died after crashing into a heavy metal shelf in a failed olly-oop practice, but as it fell back on me and I was slowly crushed to death, my intense love for basketball and despair at never being able to play again coalesced. At the same exact moment I died, I entered the Zone. Having died while transitioning to the Zone, I am now forever locked into it, and no earthly player is my match.” His head shot up and eyes locked onto Kagami then, “But I still crave a great match, and you will provide me with that. I will make sure of it. For if you lose,” and a great spectral arm made of mist shot out from his body, “I will kill the person you care for the most.”  
   
Its hand returned quickly to Aikawa, and for a second he seemed almost human in his surprise. Kuroko was trapped within the cloudy arm, quickly transforming to a swirling vortex high in the air, struggling slightly and face very pale.  
   
“Is this - wait, are you serious? This weak boy is the person you care about most in the world?” Kuroko still looked scared, but he blushed slightly, and looked down at the ground. Then he realized exactly how high he was and flinched pale again. Kagami’s jaw dropped and he looked flustered, but that was pretty typical for him. “Fine, it doesn’t matter." Aikawa said, "What matters is that you try your very hardest, down to the last second. And that begins now.”  
   
The second his sentence ended the shadowy outline of a court sprang up on the parking-lot ground, supernaturally smooth, and a giant scoreboard with glowing red numbers blazed above it all. A basketball appeared in the air for a toss up, and Kagami’s tiger-like instincts kicked in. He could hear muttering and yelling all around him, but it faded to the back of his mind as an eerie buzzer sounded.  
   
Kagami jumped immediately, fire in his eyes, but Aikawa was already there and easily smacked the ball down. The ghost darted straight across the court as he dribbled with an inhuman strength, and before five seconds had even passed he slammed the ball into the other side’s hoop. “Wait a second,” Kagami snarled, but Aikawa had already pushed the ball into his hands and crowded him, trapping him home side. Kagami grimaced and tried ducking forward, feinting left before dribbling the ball under his legs, but Aikawa’s reflexes were Zone-perfect and he stole the ball once more before dunking it in.  
   
“You can’t do this!” Kagami gestured desperately, “Being in the Zone is one thing, but you’re using these bullshit spirit powers-” but Aikawa was focused, sunk into a sort of fugue and unable to hear him. He shoved the ball back into Kagami’s hands and loomed over him again. However, before Kagami could decide what to do, the air was filled with bright pink and blue sparkles and a ringing voice called out, “MOON TIARA MAGIC!!”  
   
A radiant disc of light spun out towards Aikawa, and he flinched in shock, giving Kagami time to step past him and do a lay up on the other side. But Sailor Moon’s tiara passed right through the ghost, and Aikawa laughed. “I’ve heard of you, Sailor Scouts. But I am a thing of surreal psychic shounen comedy and the burning passions of sports manga; your bullshit shoujo magic rules don’t apply to me! FEAR MY META KNOWLEDGE.” With that he sprinted to the other side of the court, picked up the ball, and squared off with Kagami again.  
   
Sailor Moon slowly slumped down against Mercury, hugging herself in shock. Everyone on the sidelines began murmuring to each other intently, trying to come up with ways to help Kagami or defeat the spirit. Sailor Jupiter had asked to be given a play-by-play of what was happening so the Scouts could weigh in, and Akashi was describing every move with exceptionally smug overblown strategic analysis. She barely heard a word of it, looking into his beautiful eyes. They looked just like her sempai’s. She said this aloud, and from the swirling vortex holding him in the air, Kuroko commented that no one in the history of ever has had nonsense magic golden eyes like Akashi. Per usual no one heard him.  
   
Mob had made his way to the sidelines, too. He watched the scene with his own eyes narrowed, sipping his strawberry milk, and raised his hand up as if to banish the spirit. But something stopped him, and he gave a little “ah” under his breath. He did keep his hand up as if considering something, but nothing happened. “So uh, time for you to step in, eh Mob?” said Reigen nonchalantly. “I mean, I would, but this kind of third rate ghoul is just so beneath me I might accidentally banish all the living souls around it.” Mob glanced up at Reigen in surprise.  
   
“I’m having the same issue actually, Shishou. I’m not concerned about everyone, but if I banish Aikawa I’ll probably send that pale blue haired boy’s soul with him. His presence is so low it’s not well tied to his earthly form; I mistook him as a spirit at first.”  
   
“Oh, damn.” Reigen bit his thumb nail, sweating slightly. Time was ticking down on the clock, and Kagami was getting more and more reckless. But then he snapped his fingers and brought his pointer finger up in the air. “I’ve got it Mob, I’ll be right back!” He snagged Venus by the arm and dragged her into the store after him, coming out a dozen seconds later lugging a big bag of road salt behind them. “Rip it open, Venus!” he yelled, and she shot a precise love-heart-something-or-other beam across its top, splitting it clean open.  
   
“Alright, Mob, get Dimple out of the way - I’m about to perform a very powerful advanced technique." Everyone turned to look at him besides the two on the court, the air silent but hopeful. "SUPER,” he posed dramatically, “ROAD SALT,” he reached down into the bag beside him with both hands, body twisted back, “ULTRA SPLASH!!” and with that he spun around, flinging a huge amount of chemical salt into the spirit’s eyes.” This was Reigen's special move, where he throws a whole giant fuckton of useless road salt at a spirit.  
   
Of course, it went right through Aikawa, spraying Kagami in his open-mouthed face. He swore and closed his eyes, and in that second Aikawa spun past him and got an easy toss up. The scoreboard blinked a bright 25 - 14, with 3 minutes left in the second quarter.  
   
Kagami groaned in anger, and looked wildly up at Kuroko, hoping for some sort of inspiration. “I-I believe in you, Kagami-kun. You’ll find a way; you’re the light to my shadow,” Kuroko said, but it wasn’t very convincing. He was shaking slightly and very high up. Kagami closed his eyes for a moment, and bit his lip. Then he steeled his features, picked up the ball, and went back in the game. He had the weight of his teammates relying on him, even in this one-man game, and it allowed him to enter the zone if only for a moment.  
   
But Reigen’s mention of Dimple had made him float down in interest, and at the same moment Mob had an idea. He whispered to Dimple, who replied, “No way - NO WAY - I won’t do it Mob, big sweaty guys like that don’t interest me,” until Mob raised his hand up to Dimple. Then he raised his own little ghostly arms in surrender and said, “Jeeze kid, alright, alright! But you owe me one.”  
   
Dimple soared high into the air, sighed for a moment, and then wooshed down towards the court into Kagami.  
   
At that Kagami lit up bright green, his eyes shadowed and fierce - he was reacting on pure zone-fuled instinct, but now he had Dimple’s psychic powers as well. The battle between him and the ghost raged on, and this time with both players spiritually OP Kagami's superior skills managed to turn back the tide, as he pulled off the sort of ill basketball moves and maneuvers only spoken of in legend. Oh man, it would be so sick if I described the match in detail here. That would probably be by far the most enjoyable part of this shitty story. It’s almost like I’ve been avoiding describing any actual basketball plays or moves throughout this narrative besides various types of shots, due to having little knowledge of the sport, and only now at the lack of detail on this dank-ass moment are you realizing it. Fuck man, it sucks to be you.  
   
Anyway, he fought his way back through the… third and fourth quarters, they have those in basketball right? (Just kidding, I know they do, I googled it.) And he scraped out a victory, tooth-and-nail. Everyone else was fraught with tension, practically holding their breath till the last second. But at the final spectral bell Aikawa’s form slumped over, as if in utter despair. The court disappeared. Kuroko was lowered, gently, to the ground, where he sat in a daze.  
   
And then Aikawa raised his face, and there was peace and satisfaction there. “Thank god,” he said, “the future of basketball is so bright. Thank you. I can pass on happily now, knowing my life’s devotion will burn even stronger in a new generation." In a mildly anti-climactic moment his soul slowly rose up to the heavens with a little glowing halo and wings, where it disappeared in a spray of light.  
   
At that everyone on the sidelines exploded into cheers, and even Mob gave a little thumbs up to Dimple, who immediately floated away with a “tch” - embarrassed to have done a good thing. Kagami grinned tiredly, but then his knees buckled, body having been pushed beyond human limits by Dimple’s possession. He fell to the ground, face slack, sweaty hair limp on his forehead. The whole group froze around him, besides Kuroko, who had started running to Kagami before he even hit the ground. He couldn’t catch him but he did kneel down beside him, worry clear on his face. And then Dimple’s face lit up in an evil smirk, and he dove back down to whisper something in Kuroko’s ear.  
   
Immediately Kuroko bent down and kissed Kagami, hands on both sides of his face. He pulled up, confused, before kissing him again more passionately - then patted him on the face a few times. Finally he realized what had happened, and glared up at Dimple with a flush across his cheeks.  
   
But Kise wolf-whistled, and everyone else came alive again. Midorima smugly said something about Oha Asa never being wrong, Sailor Moon grabbed a couple of the other scouts and loudly whispered “did you SEE THAT!”, and Reigen brought his pink paper-roll to his mouth to shout, “ALL RIGHT ALL OF YOU, CUT IT OUT! CUT IT OUTTTTT-O! Touching scene or not, you just wrecked this fine establishment, so you’re all going to be working it off for the next month - no thanks necessary that I’m not making you pay up immediately.” He easily took control of the situation, pointing dramatically at everyone as he spoke to them in his usual manner, “Green haired kid, you look smart, you’re on the register; navy blue I’m looking at you, get hauling whatever inventory looks undamaged out here to take account-“  
   
Kuroko was glad to have the attention off of him, as it usually was. He looked down at Kagami, who was now very pink faced with his eyes scrunched closed, and put his hand on Kagami’s. After a second, Kagami squeezed back. Kuroko smiled to himself.  
   
Ohhhh boy was he gonna rotate Kagami’s tires tonight.


End file.
